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The Demon's Lair

People are still losing. They’re still losing their babies. Their happiness, their world. I would have given just about anything to know that losing my Matty meant that no one else would ever know this pain. My heart aches for any mother on this journey. When you first enter this hell your disbelief has you numb. Your pain comes in waves. You’re sure that you’re having the worst dream of your life. Once you hold your child’s funeral you cross over. You’ve fully entered the Demons lair. He holds you capt... read more »


Greetings and welcome!♥The toughest period of time after the initial shock of a loss of a Loved one, however long it is, which depends on the person dealing with the grief, is after all is said and done, when the support of family and friends wanes. THIS is when the reality really hits but there's no longer the support.♥ PNG url:"W... read more »


Howdy folks!♥Having experienced a tremendous loss, losing my beloved Mother, this poem touches on the effects/repercussions of a great loss and the resulting grief. People will say, "It will get easier with time." It's been over ten years since I lost my Mom. She was my rock, my mentor, my hero, my inspiration, my motivation, a best friend whom I could trust her with anything and I could always rely on her to speak to me honestly even when I didn't necessarily want to hear the truth. She was a lady, mode... read more »

Grief and Mourning

Grief is what you feel when you lose a loved one. Mourning is how you express those feelings. I read that in a book last year and it stuck with me. I leave it to you, the readers, to decide Continue reading read more »

We can't help you

Grief is defined as deep sorrow, especially that caused by some one’s death, the word is originated from old French meaning burden. I don’t see my grief as a burden. My grief is an enormous part of who I am but it is not all I am. It’s not an easy or simple aspect of who I am but it certainly is not a burden. To me, a burden is something that one does not want to really deal with. I’ll gladly carry my grief, for it brings with it the little I have left of my son. Despite the pain, sorrow, fear and trauma... read more »

Bah-Humbug on Christmas 2016

​Yesterday, I received another piece of mail addressed to Gatewood Family Enterprises, a name we used in connection with a side thing many years ago. Two things struck me about this. 1) You really never get off mailing lists, as Continue reading read more »

Grief – From My View

There is one thing I am quite familiar with, something you honestly dont want to be familiar with,grief and loss. Now Im going to tell you my view and than also give you information I got from a counselor. What read more »

Surrendering Time Series on Sale Monday and Tue...

Although Ohio has seen 90+ temps already (and snow in May,) it is now summer. One of my favorite things to do is watch our daughter swim and have a book on the deck. And now, I want to put Continue reading read more »

Remembering Barbara Gatewood

Remembering Barbara Gatewood (Remarks given at her funeral by her husband) My mother said she had never heard of a husband giving remarks at his wifes funeral. Well, Barbara and I were science fiction fans, commonly called nerds, and we Continue reading read more »

Joy and Grief

Back on Christmas Eve, I posted a poll  asking my readers to pick from a list of shared topics, promising to write a post in response to the winners. The top choice was Joy and Grief. So, this is a Continue reading read more »

Happy . . . Now?

In the story Im writing, Im working with a character struggling with grief. Ive long been fascinated with this part of life, maybe because its so universal. Writers are always looking for experiences that will touch all of us sooner Continue reading read more »

Cancer Stole My Mom....Not Our Love

Hello Pundits! I know, I know....It has been a VERY long time since we last had a conversation. Please accept my sincerest apology:) It seems that I lost my writing mojo for a period of time.My mother was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer, and I suddenly found no inspiration to write. I have always had a creative side, but then suddenly it was gone. My only focus was spending what ever borrowed time I had with the single most influential person in my life. Althoughthis year has beenTHE toughest of my e... read more »

Routine (42)

Routine At the morning alarm I quickly pulled a T-shirt over my head. Still deeply feeling anxiety from the night before, I rushed downstairs to make my two children breakfast. “Jessie” was blaring on the TV. I knew that if I was to calm down, and anything was to be done without my screaming and tears, the TV needed to be off. It was a morning like every other morning. Routine. Soon the pleasant odor of cinnamon raisin oatmeal and freshly ground coffee filled the air. Zoe and Liam finished breakfast, b... read more »

Some Days

Some days I just want to be free, free from the hurt and constant nagging agony of childhood sexual abuse. I want to be free from all of it and go back to the normal life prior to the recovered memories that have overtaken my life these past four years. To wave my hand and AFB never existed. The pain never occurred. Some days, I feel as if my only way to find freedom from what he did to me is to shoot him in the face. To see the terror in his eyes just as the copper wrapped lead round pierces through hi... read more »

EMOTION CONTROL: The difference between instinc...

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE If we focus on the core emotions and base our decisions on a ... read more »

A tribute to our Family Connector, Geraldine.

Our life's journey is indeed a series of seasons. People enter our lives, walk part of our journey with us and then follow their own course. Like Geraldine, my sister-in-law who passed on yesterday. Thankfully, we can still draw strength from the legacy she has left us and pay our tributes to her. The Family Connector Geraldine was the Family Connector. She was one fiery lady with a sharp tongue and a very big heart. Geraldine laughed and cried as easily as she ranted and raved. If you were rude, you ... read more »

Reduce your stress this Christmas

Christmas is meant to be a time for kindness, fun and love. Unfortunately it is often the opposite for many people, because instead of focusing on the blessings in life, it can pose a time to focus on lack - particularly when loved ones have been lost, are sick or are no longer on speaking terms. The true meaning of Christmas is signified beautifully in this early definition found in The American magazine, vol. 28 (1889), pg 742: "to give up one's very self — to think only of others — how to bring the ... read more »

When the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Isn’t ...

For me, it was 2004. I stared at the blinking lights on our Christmas tree, almost in a trance like state. It wasnt the colors or the tree. I was shell shocked at how fast my life had changed and how much those I loved suffered. In a year wed both had job changes. My [] read more »

Kisses (39)

Kisses I looked across the room and saw a deep darkness along the wall opposite from where I stood. It was a strange, otherworldly darkness, not because the room was poorly lit, in fact just the opposite. The room was almost too bright with several 100 watt light bulbs shining brightly from the unfinished ceiling boards. As I walked closer to investigate the shadow, it appeared as if it wasn't a shadow, but instead an absence of light occupied the space. As I neared the other side of the room, I tenta... read more »

Grief It Sneaks Up When least expected

Grief It Sneaks Up on you so unexpectedly Today has started off really emotional for me , waking from my sleep in a complete panic attack literally feeling like I was dying. After calming myself and feeling greatful that after a 45 minute attack I could finally gain self control again , I got lost in my head as always but this was more nescarry considering I wasn't even sure what brought me from sleep to awake to utter panic. I started with my usual thoughts and reasons for this but then after I stopped... read more »


It was a crisp, cool morning. The sunlight of a new day opened my weary eyes to endless possibilities. I got up from where I had been sleeping and arched my back in a deep stretch, groaning as my muscles began to relax and go back to their original positions. I wipe the gravel and dirt off my bare back and climbed over the fence. I looked up as I scratch the debris out of my scraggly beard. “Fucking Lemmings!” I bitterly mutter to myself as I watch the people safely cocooned in their shiney automobiles t... read more »

My Break Up Playlist

In response to Tuesday's post,a reader asked that I post my break up playlist. I have some pretty great suggestions to start (that's what you get for being over-prepared for everything - and German, so a little naturally grim). Here they are, separated into stages of break up grief! When the break up is super-fresh and you're a smoldering heap of angst: Simple Plan - Perfect The All American Rejects - It Ends Tonight Good Charlotte - I Don't Wanna Be In Love When it's two AM and you're crying in... read more »

Feeling All Over The Place !!! Good Ole Grief

As I go through my day today I have been filled with so many emotions, not to mention tapping into some old feelings of anger and resentment. I know my feelings are by all means normal and understandable but I can't help but feel wrong for feeling this way. So I guess instead of letting my feelings get out of control and saying or doing something I'll later regret I'm going to blog my feelings, that is what I started this blog for right lol. It all starts with not feeling well so obviously everything is ... read more »

Supposed To

Supposed to I am so very proud of my children. Landmarks of development and growth occur every day. My son has started kindergarten this year. My daughter, is in second grade and wants to join the Girl Scouts. As a parent/survivor how am I to cope with this inherent almost primal desire to cut the parental umbilical cord and venture out into the world on their own? How am I to cope with a dangerous and gruesome world that cares nothing for the young and weak. How am I to cope with this reality without l... read more »


It was my wife’s birthday last week. I am so very grateful for her. If it wasn't for her endless patience and love toward me I wouldn't be alive today. Three years ago I took her aside into our bedroom while she was preparing our Sunday dinner. “Amy,” I said as I closed the door behind me. There was nervousness and fear in my voice, “I think I was, Ummmm” I paused, If I said the next few words would she love me? Would she still want to be with me? Would she believe me when I didn't even believe me? I wan... read more »

The boy Inside Me (37)

Right away that morning I was called to meet with the staff psychologist, Mike. “How are you this morning, Joel?” Mike said to me. I had met him a few days earlier during the intake process and we had already built a rapport. I decided to make things easier by opening my mouth and speaking. “I am sure you have already heard about my vow of silence today,” I said. “Yes, tell me about that,” Mike looked worried that somehow I was not doing this for the right reasons. “Mike, as you already know I am a... read more »

Abundance by Julie Arduini

Happy New Year!  It probably doesnt surprise you that words are important to me. Beyond writing, I ask God to reveal a word He wants me to focus on for the year. As we welcome 2014, I thought Id share some of my thoughts on 2013 and the word He gave me. What was your [] read more »

An End to a Beginning - A blurb of words...

I made an announcement earlier today, that I was offered a contract on a short novella I shopped around last year. This little story has seen so much hardship. To date, I've gotten around 25-30 rejections on it, people saying "Not quite our style!". Which is fine, that's great. My work, it ain't for everyone! That's for sure. But, perseverance pays, literally $$. All it took was one guy, in one office, reading one story, my story, and that was it. This will be my fifth book, and I couldn't be more excite... read more »

Inside Crying (35)

Day after day the gaping maw of despair and confusion pursued me like a jaguar after a sickly gazelle. I felt like I was stuck in an endless loop, unable to find a way free from the pursuant. I was running out of energy to run, to fight, to heal. I had spent the last 10 months learning about how trauma affects the core of the survivors being. I learned about self worth, various coping and grounding techniques. I was finding normalcy, spending less time with my mistress and finding happiness away from h... read more »

Hidden (34)

Hidden Blissful, happy, ignorant years went by, and eventually Andy and I grew apart. We finished our courses at the community college; she moved back home to Texas and I chose to continue my studies at a local bible college. I will always remember our time together, our conversations ranging from the deep philosophical to the silly or mundane. We walked all over town discovering the local coffee scene or the art galleries in the north end of downtown Columbus Ohio. We were as close as friends could pos... read more »

The Plague of Two Centuries

I lost my brother-in-law last night. That sounds so calm and reasonable but the truth is far from calm and reasonable. The truth is that someone I knew, someone I was related to was ripped from our lives last night by a disease that should have been cured by now. Just in the U.S.alone the [...] read more »

A love letter

My love, I have been with you since the beginning. Alone and young you came to me. I gave you the needs of your heart. I was there with my arms open, I invited you deep into my soul. We connected in a way I haven't felt with anyone before. Remember that time you found me, your spirit sunken with grief because of loneliness and betrayal? I was there. I made sence of the confusion you were feeling. I have been your constant unchanging companion since the beginning. Yes, everyone will leave you and find... read more »

Forgotten Normalcy (33)

I finished my cigarette, and climbed down from the house-sized boulder where I was sitting. By the time I returned to my car my spirit had returned from soaring high above the treetops and grassy meadows in Moraine Park. I loved this place nestled deep in the heart of the Rocky Mountains and the National Park by the same name. I felt renewed and at peace--a feeling I had not experienced in a long time. I gave myself to the mountains and they in return washed me clean. Whatever had caused me to flee to t... read more »


Wings My spine is poking through my chest--gore of white digestive tract, brown fecal matter and white spinal fluid co-mingling into a gelatinous pinkish ooze dripped into the blood soaked soil where I lay. I am broken and dying. The familiar cacophony of battle fades its echoing in my ear, a robin chirps in the distance. I reach down toward my mid-section and with a confused look on my face. I make a futile attempt at placing my insides back inside. One last gasp of air. One last word. One last denial.... read more »

After all, never question your pastor. (32)

After my time at Loveland Christian School I returned to public school and began to find my way in the new noisy environment of a large traditional classroom and multiple teachers. I loved the sciences and yet struggled with math, especially algebra. I found the concept of letters representing numbers confusing. My grades suffered. I began to shut down. Recognizing my struggles, I was put into an Accelerated School to catch me up and try to salvage what was left of my educational years. The middle schoo... read more »

Encouragement for Those Dealing With the Loss o...

My Dear Friends, Have you ever experienced the difficulty of saying goodbye to someone you love due to their unfortunate passing? I have gone through many difficult times in my life, but none of them seemed to be as tough as dealing with the tragic loss of my father at the young age of 56.... [Continue Reading] read more »

Catch Me (31)

Eventually the day came when all of the casseroles had been eaten. The grieving began to wain and turn into a throbbing ache rather than the agonizing, gut-wrenching loss. The weeks following my father’s death are grayed out in the past of forgetfulness. My first memory is of blood being drawn at the clinic near the hospital. The doctors were going to test me for mononucleosis or the “Kissing Disease” because I had been sleeping more than normal. We later found out that I didn't have mono. Instead, I was... read more »

Saying Goodbye to a Beloved Character by Julie ...

I admit it, I watch Dallas. I know its a soap opera and is a stark contrast to my Bible Series post last week. I watch because right or wrong, the show brings back happy family memories. We had our share of adversity in our personal lives back in the day, but come Friday night [...] read more »

Touched by a Blogger – Granny Gee

On the first day of January, 2013, I received a message from Bloggers telling me I had a new follower for one of my other blogs. Her name was Granny Gee. Her small blurb on Bloggers, part of which appears below, had me nearly crying and I decided to check out her blog. "… the caller ID showed Tommy was calling! I answered it, my mind became confused as I realized it wasn't Tommy, but.. a strange man's voice saying, 'I have a man lying here on the beach, he's not breathing!'" Tommy was Granny Gee's so... read more »

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